I was never a daughter. 

A deeply committed subject of the King ready to fight or surrender anything for the Him?  Yes. 

A member of the Family?  No.

That’s not how my earthly father raised me, so why would I believe THE Father is any different? 

My dad did not know how to raise girls.  And he had two.

But God?  He knows how to raise daughters.  And He’s been fathering me all my life even if I failed to see it until the last few of years.

But in order to be a daughter, first I had to get comfortable with being a person who has rights too, not just responsibilities.  I didn’t do a very good job with that, so God decided to speed up the process and bring me to a place where all I had was Him, a few amazing friends and a whole lot of needs.

Early on in my life I came to know that there’s a place called rock bottom.  Not long after that I learned that rock bottom had a basement.  And this year I discovered that there’s a tunnel underneath that basement.  But you know what?  I think the tunnel is the way out of this place.

This is where God had to bring me in order for me to be able to surrender my hyper-independence. 

This year has been harder than all the years I lived so far.  AND this year I had more community support than I had in my entire life. 

I literally could not have survived this year without them.

They believed FOR me when I couldn’t.  They believed IN me.  They held me up.  They loved me when I had nothing to give in return.

One of the hardest moments was mom passing away and afterwards, me dealing with her things and such. 

Shortly after I closed that chapter, my health took a big hit.  For a few weeks it felt like just as I finished wrapping up mom’s life, God was wrapping up mine.  Thankfully, we eventually learned that that was not the case yet.

But for those few weeks all the things in my life that I “put a pin in” to deal with later, came unpinned and hit me all at once.  There was a lot of anger and pain.  A lot of reframing needed to be done.  A lot of God’s intervention through His hands and feet on this earth – His people.

At the end of that process, I found myself feeling the most vulnerable I ever felt in His hands, and also the safest I’ve felt anywhere.

Today I know that my life is safe in His hands.

That was not the case before. 

I knew He was a good Father and whatever He does is good.  But safe?  I never saw Him as a safe God.  

My life was like a river in His hands and He directed it wherever He wanted to… smooth terrain or rocky, it didn’t matter.  I trusted His lead and that however hard it was, there was a greater purpose. 

Safety though?  No.. 

My life was always at risk in His hands because of His plans that are way bigger than my life.

His plans are still bigger than my life, but my little life matters immensely to Him.  Somehow there’s significance in it that contributes to this bigger plan.

I also learned that true strength does not come from braving this life alone, but in having a community of one, two or however many people around you on who you can truly rely on. 

A person or a group of people who can actually hold your life when it gets too heavy.

I recently heard a phrase that cut through all the layers of my heart: “Being a self-made man is a heavy burden.” 

And it is!! 

It’s isolating.  There’s no permission to stop and put the weight down, not even for a second.  Legitimacy comes from that place of having made it, and asking for help is not an option.  It feels like the right to exist in that place needs to be re-earned continuously. 

It is exhausting.  Not worth it.  There’s a better to live.

Hyper-independence is not the crown I want to wear anymore.  I lay it down. 

I choose the one that says “daughter of the Most High,” “loved,” “cared for.” 

A very vulnerable place to be in, but so much safer.  It is not based on what I can do.  It is based on His nature.

And His nature? 

Unshakable.  Unmovable.  Unchangeable.

Faithful.  Merciful.  Just.

He does not change like shifting shadows.

He IS love.

My life is safe in my Father’s hands.